Jesus Wept

I have anxiety, the worst kind. Probably not to you but it’s the worst kind to me.

I was always the weirder kid. Always the quiet one people loved to make fun of “Shut up Cass stop being so loud!” “Oh my gosh Cass you talk so much!”

Just the beginning of my anxiety; socially.

But that’s not what I’m talking about. It’s my anxiety that has to do with Christianity. You see, I go to Bible College with the church being one of great praise and joy. Which is totally great! It’s amazing how much they love to praise The Lord.

But the part that takes the most toll on me is when I look. I look at the girl jumping with joy which I stand and I see that she is praising God more than me. I see the girl with tears and think “Man my heart must be hard, since I’m not feeling the Holy Spirit like her.” It’s when I see people throwing up their arms in prayer, when they yell across the room and I can barely open my mouth.

It’s when I see a girl post on Instagram a photo of her daily devotions and I instantly think that I’m not as Holy as her.

But that’s not where the anxiety comes in. It comes when people tell me to pray more, read my bible more, do this more, be closer to God. And I wish I could! For the last 6 months I have battled with not reading my bible simply because I feel so much pressure to, and now when I read it, all I feel is guilt and condemnation. I have anxiety because I feel like i’m the person who didn’t use their talents or I’m the virgin bride who forgot her oil. Just looking at my Bible gives me anxiety. Because I’m scared of having anxiety. I’m scared of being “slapped by God”. So I keep it neatly aligned with the corners of my bedside table and leave it alone…

It’s sad though, because I was once a Bible freak! I would take it everywhere, read it everywhere. It was full with underlines and highlighters and post-it notes. I even had to tape the spine back on. But I’m not proud. The Book is a sad reminder of how in love with it I was. And now I’m scared to even open the cover.

I want to read it more. But I can’t. And that’s what’s most frustrating.

I go to Bible College yet don’t ever read the Word of God.

I don’t really have much else to say, I don’t have a good Christian answer to what I have just explained. I don’t have 5 tips to beat anxiety because as you can tell I haven’t beaten it yet.

God Bless.

 

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3 thoughts on “Jesus Wept

  1. Hi Cassia,

    This is really random and I know you don’t know me, but somehow I found your post on Godinterest and as I was reading it, I felt like there were some words God wants to speak to you. If you resonate with them, that’s wonderful. If not, sorry! I’m still working on hearing from God, haha.

    I feel like God is saying that you are His beloved. That He has loved you from the beginning and His love has never changed. You are His beloved and He delights in you. Not for what you have done for Him, but because of who you are. Because that is who Love is. I remember the first time God appeared to me, all I saw was the lower half of His face, beaming down at me, surrounded in unimaginable light. I think He’s revealing Himself in that way to you – that He smiles down at you and is well-pleased with you because you are His daughter.

    When Jesus was baptized by John and the heaven opened, the Father said “This is my beloved Son in whom I am well pleased.” What ministry did Jesus do prior to His baptism? It wasn’t about Jesus’ ministry. It was about Jesus being His Daddy’s beloved son; His Father was well pleased with Him simply because of who He was.

    Similarly, when the Father looks at you, He does not see failure or inadequacy (even while He has every right to see that in every one of us). He sees worth. He sees beauty. He sees your love for Him. Even you cannot see it. He is not disappointed in you. And I know you know this, but He loves you with an unrelenting love.

    And I don’t think He’s asking you to read your bible. Or to pray more. Or to sing more. (Don’t get me wrong, those things are wonderful, but it’s not about reading the bible, it’s about the heart). I feel like He’s saying: “Just be. Just be with Me.”
    I think that from that place of rest in Him, you will encounter the vast expanses of His lovingkindness and will begin to see yourself with His eyes. I feel like He’s just speaking: “Beloved” over you. “Beloved, be loved. Just let Me love you.”

    That’s all,
    have a wonderful day.

    Sunny

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Wow, Sunny this is amazing! I totally needed that. I struggle with accepting that God loves me like that or in anyway that offends my human thinking! Thank you, God was definitely speaking through/to you. “Beloved, Be Loved.” Thank you 🙂
      Cassia

      Liked by 1 person

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