I have anxiety, the worst kind. Probably not to you but it’s the worst kind to me.
I was always the weirder kid. Always the quiet one people loved to make fun of “Shut up Cass stop being so loud!” “Oh my gosh Cass you talk so much!”
Just the beginning of my anxiety; socially.
But that’s not what I’m talking about. It’s my anxiety that has to do with Christianity. You see, I go to Bible College with the church being one of great praise and joy. Which is totally great! It’s amazing how much they love to praise The Lord.
But the part that takes the most toll on me is when I look. I look at the girl jumping with joy which I stand and I see that she is praising God more than me. I see the girl with tears and think “Man my heart must be hard, since I’m not feeling the Holy Spirit like her.” It’s when I see people throwing up their arms in prayer, when they yell across the room and I can barely open my mouth.
It’s when I see a girl post on Instagram a photo of her daily devotions and I instantly think that I’m not as Holy as her.
But that’s not where the anxiety comes in. It comes when people tell me to pray more, read my bible more, do this more, be closer to God. And I wish I could! For the last 6 months I have battled with not reading my bible simply because I feel so much pressure to, and now when I read it, all I feel is guilt and condemnation. I have anxiety because I feel like i’m the person who didn’t use their talents or I’m the virgin bride who forgot her oil. Just looking at my Bible gives me anxiety. Because I’m scared of having anxiety. I’m scared of being “slapped by God”. So I keep it neatly aligned with the corners of my bedside table and leave it alone…
It’s sad though, because I was once a Bible freak! I would take it everywhere, read it everywhere. It was full with underlines and highlighters and post-it notes. I even had to tape the spine back on. But I’m not proud. The Book is a sad reminder of how in love with it I was. And now I’m scared to even open the cover.
I want to read it more. But I can’t. And that’s what’s most frustrating.
I go to Bible College yet don’t ever read the Word of God.
I don’t really have much else to say, I don’t have a good Christian answer to what I have just explained. I don’t have 5 tips to beat anxiety because as you can tell I haven’t beaten it yet.