First of all, let me apologise.
To all of you: This is more of a complaint, rather than a ‘thought’.
And secondly: To myself: I’m sorry for being so damn hard on you.
(listen to this song, it is so good! https://riversrobots.bandcamp.com/album/all-things-new)
What am I writing about? Nothing, I am just complaining.
I’ve been thinking about a tattoo I want to get, but every part in me feels guilty that I even want to get a tattoo. It is so draining!
I’m so sick of being controlled by guilt and fear. In every decision I face I always take the path that gives me the least amount of guilt.
But what is guilt?
Christianity, to me, has become more about guilt and ‘obeying’ out of the fear of what happens if I don’t obey. Not freedom. I am so scared if God that I won’t even begin to ask Him what He thinks. It’s the umbrella of fear that follows me everywhere.
– Should I go to night church? If I don’t, God will be disappointed! But I really don’t feel like it, but I have to go because it will be bad if I don’t. The guilt settles in.
– Should I get the bus to Auckland at 1:30pm or 5:15pm? Oh no! I can’t decide! Maybe God wants me in Auckland for longer, maybe it’s bad for me to go later because it means that I get to spend more time with Marco! The anxiety settles in.
– Should I eat this for lunch or that? Oh no, that’s bad for me. Oh no, God will be angry that I ate bad food. Oh no, that costs money I CAN’T SPEND MONEY! So, I don’t eat anything because I can’t decide.
And so, it goes with wanting to get a tattoo:
– I want to get a tattoo! Oh no, that’s bad. That’s evil. What will people think of you, Cassia? Have you asked God? What if he’s angry that you want to get a tattoo? What if it’s the wrong thing to do? No! Not the WRONG THING! That means you would have made a bad decison and you will be PUNISHED for it! And so it goes, the anxiety, fear, guilt that comes with all my decisions.
But here’s my testimony, and it’s also my heart behind wanting to get a tattoo:
In 2013 I was in a terrible relationship. I was constantly anxious because I could not trust the guy I was with, he was living in another town, in the same house as the ‘ex’ girlfriend he had cheated on – with me.
So my life was controlled by him, I needed his attention to make me happy, and if he didn’t replied to me quickly I would be on the verge of tears with this knot in my stomach, begging for my god to love me.
I was fighting myself, “Just leave him”…”No, I’ll just wait a bit longer…maybe things will get better”…”But, I hate this”…”But…I’m too attached to him…he’s all I’ve got!”
And in my stormy mind, God’s Voice calmed it. Over and over and over…
“Just trust me.”
“Just trust me.”
“Just trust me.”
This Voice, sweeter than honey.
I was walking home from school one day, and knew it was time. But I stopped on the street with tears flowing down my face “God, if you want me to do this, you’ve gotta hold my hand” and I put my right hand beside me, and opened it up for God to hold.
I called him up and ended it. And I swear, a physical weight lifted off me. As soon as I hung up that phone I could breath. I was free.
I forgot about that for a while, until a girl at bible college came up to me last year with a prophecy, she said that she saw two hands holding…one was loose, but the older was holding with the tightest grip.
But even then I didn’t make the connection, I just thought it was about another ex who used to hold my hand really loose.
But, it finally got on one day, its all clicked.
It was God saying that even though I had stopped holding on, he never let go. Why? Because I asked him to hold it, but I never asked him to let go.
Psalm 73:23 – Nevertheless I am continually with You;
You hold me by my right hand.
That’s what I hold on to
If all else fails, if I lose everyone around me, if I am poor and starving.
When all else fails
I know I have a God who is relentless.
That picture is stained into my being, and perhaps I don’t need a tattoo.
But, this is what I hold on to